19 miles

I've been putting off posting because my long run yesterday ended horribly!!!! It was not one of my finer moments.
I only cried three times...
1st- When I passed my cute neighbors who were running together chatting it up. I wished I had someone to run with. With that, the energy to keep up with them and talk while running. I loved having my sister run with me last week.
2nd- Mile 15 when I wanted to stop and found that inner self. In that moment I know there "were angels among us." They were with me, helping me and pushing me. I think I lost them around mile 18 :)
3rd- After my ice bath when I couldn't stand up. I couldn't feel my legs and thought this is the closest I will probably ever get to an epidural.

This fabulous run started the night before when I laid in bed fretting about what route I would take. 20 miles is a long way. I just didn't feel good about any of the routes I had planned. I also wanted to start running at 5AM, to beat the heat, which made me nervous. Needless to say, I ended up with about 3 hours of sleep that night. The beginning of my run was great. Normal, everything as planned. A couple hours in, the top of my foot started hurting under where I tie my shoe. I unlaced part of my shoe and continued on. Around mile 15 I wanted to be done. I had hit a "mini wall." I found my inner zen, turned the music on, and continued on. It was a nice route I was taking. Parts were new to me so it kept me interested, for a mile at least. I was only at mile 16 and I wanted to stop. Instead of taking a walk break every 2 miles, I was now taking them every mile. It was hot, my foot was hurting again, my legs ached. I saw my final destination, yay right? NOPE, I still had 2.12 miles left. I somehow miscalculated my route. All that time laying awake worrying about which route to take, I took none of them, and came up short. I turned around and told myself to run 1.06 miles then turn around, making an even 20. I got to the end of the street and it had only been .53 miles. I couldn't keep going. My foot was now a sharp pain. My body ached. I turned around and headed back. I tried to find little streets to run up to get my complete 20 in. I kept repeating to myself, "It's about finishing, not quitting." I was about to run up the last street and my body stopped. I really don't remember now. I remember not being able to run anymore. I decided that I don't care if my read-out says 20 miles or 19. I don't care!!! I also know that I get to do this again in a few weeks so I have another chance to try. I started heading back again and saw my sister and nephew coming to pick me up. Just seeing them gave me a little energy. I probably could have finished that last .7 miles but didn't want them to wait. Any excuse to stop.
It's hard to explain what that .7 means to me, to a runner. It should not be a big deal. I ran long enough, right? My body is in training. That's what training is about, to practice for the big event. But now, I regret that .7. Trust me, I acknowledge the 19.3. It's like coming in 2nd to someone who's competitive. Close but not good enough. Don't worry, I will not beat myself up or lose sleep over that.
My injuries have since increased with a beautiful blood blister on my left pinkie toe. That should make running this week tons of fun.

This is a journey. I knew it would be one of the hardest things I ever did. I knew that a lot of it would be mental. I don't think I realized what I would be putting my body through. Since the weight loss, I have a greater appreciation for what my body is able to do. I am thankful and amazed at the blessing of being able to do what I do. Yesterday's run will remain with me as an awful experience. I cannot put into words how I felt when I stopped. I don't know which part of me gave up first, the mental or physical part. Now, it's about moving forward. Using this experience to move on. I heard one of the most amazing talks in sacrament today. She talked about moving forward with faith and not having fear. I can relate so much of that to my own life. To other aspects, as well as running. But for the running, I realized, it is these long runs that prepare my body and mind for the epic 26.2 miles. That is why I write about the long runs. These are the runs that are molding me into what I want to become.
Rock on, run on!

Details:
Distance: 19.3 miles
Time: 3 hrs 47 min
Pace: 11:48 min/mile
Calories burned: 2,228
Water gulped: ~40 oz
Gatorade: 10 oz
Vanilla Bean Gu Gels consumed: 2